As parents, we all want to help our children—whether they are toddlers, teenagers, or adults. The instinct to provide support, care, and guidance never fades, and this is especially true when our children become adults and face life’s trials and tribulations. However, when we enable them by giving too much, solving problems for them, or constantly rescuing them from the consequences of their actions, we can inadvertently cause harm to both ourselves and our children. Enabling, though well-meaning, can undermine their growth and self-reliance, and it can leave us feeling drained, frustrated, and even resentful.
In this article, we will explore how you can help your adult children in a healthy, supportive way that fosters their independence, responsibility, and emotional well-being, without compromising your own. We will discuss the challenges that adult children face, how to recognize enabling behaviors, and practical strategies to support your child without doing it for them. This balance is essential for both your child’s growth and your own peace of mind.
Understanding the Adult Child Dynamic
As your children grow into adulthood, they face new challenges that require different types of support. These challenges might include career struggles, relationship issues, financial difficulties, or mental health concerns; as well as substance abuse. While it is natural to want to provide help, adult children are typically at a stage where they need to develop their own coping skills, decision-making abilities, and resilience.
However, many parents continue to see their children through the lens of their childhood, expecting them to be the same person who once needed their constant guidance. The reality, though, is that adults, even those in their 20s or 30s, are in a process of continuing to learn, evolve, and mature. It is crucial for parents to understand that offering support is not the same as enabling, and it’s important to distinguish between helping your child and doing the work for them.
The Definition of Enabling
Enabling occurs when you, as a parent, take on responsibilities that your adult child should be handling themselves. You may be doing this out of love, guilt, fear for their well-being, or being bullied into it; but the effect of enabling is often negative. By solving problems or providing financial or emotional support repeatedly, you may unintentionally encourage dependence instead of independence, as well as a instilling a sense of entitlement. Your adult child may begin to feel entitled to your help, instead of learning to navigate life’s challenges on their own.
Some common examples of enabling behaviors include:
• Bailing them out financially: Giving your adult child money to cover their debts or expenses regularly, even if they are capable of managing their own finances.
• Rescuing them from consequences: Stepping in to help them avoid facing the repercussions of their actions, whether it be a job loss, a broken relationship, or other responsibilities they have neglected.
• Providing constant emotional support: Over-committing your time and energy to always comfort them, without encouraging them to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Make sure your own cup is full before pouring into anyone else’s.
• Making excuses for their behavior: Excusing their irresponsible or harmful actions and blaming external factors instead of helping them acknowledge their role in the situation.
• Setting boundaries for them: Overstepping your role by taking on responsibilities for their life choices or conflicts that they should resolve themselves.
Enabling behaviors stem from a desire to protect or nurture, but they can lead to prolonged immaturity, resentment, and a lack of accountability in your adult child’s life. I frequently tell my clients that by coddling their children they frequently render them incompetent to be responsible, respectful and respectable adults. It can also cause emotional and financial stress on you as a parent.
Recognizing the Need for Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most important aspects of helping your adult children without enabling them. Boundaries are limits that you establish to protect your own well-being while still offering love and support. These boundaries are crucial for both you and your child’s growth.
Why Boundaries Are Important
• They foster independence: Boundaries teach your adult child to take responsibility for their actions and decisions. When they realize that they are responsible for their own choices, they develop better problem-solving skills and the confidence to face challenges. Actions and inactions have consequences, both good and bad, and the only way children learn boundaries is from those that set them. If it’s not you, it WILL be someone.
• They preserve your well-being: By setting boundaries, you prevent yourself from becoming overburdened, emotionally exhausted, or financially drained. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your child’s; or anyone else’s, for that matter.
• They encourage healthy relationships: Boundaries foster mutual respect between you and your adult child. When you clearly communicate your needs and limits, it promotes a healthier, more balanced relationship.
How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
• Understand your role as a parent: As your child transitions into adulthood, your role shifts from caregiver to guide. While you can offer advice and emotional support, you are no longer responsible for solving their problems or making their decisions for them. Remember, allowing them to make their own choices is part of the natural process of maturing.
• Communicate openly: Be honest and clear about your boundaries. Express your feelings and the reasons behind them in a calm, respectful manner. For instance, if you can’t continue financially supporting your adult child, calmly explain that you want them to learn to manage their finances independently.
• Be consistent: Setting boundaries once and then wavering from them can lead to confusion and resentment. Stand firm in your decisions, even if your adult child tries to push back or manipulate or bully you into changing your mind. Consistency is key.
• Let go of guilt: It’s easy to feel guilty when your child is struggling, but enabling them will not help in the long run. Trust that your child’s growth and resilience will be nurtured by you setting healthy boundaries. Allowing them to face the consequences of their actions will foster maturity.
• Know when to step back: Recognize that your child may need space to work through their issues independently. It’s okay to offer support from the sidelines without becoming too involved in the day-to-day struggles.
Providing Support Without Enabling
Helping your adult child doesn’t mean doing everything for them—it means offering guidance and support that empowers them to make their own choices and take responsibility for their life. Here are a few strategies for providing healthy support:
1. Encourage Problem-Solving Skills
Instead of offering immediate solutions when your child encounters a challenge, ask questions that guide them toward their own answers. For example:
• “What are the options available to you?”
• “What do you think would be the best course of action?”
• “How would you handle this situation if you weren’t relying on me for help?”
This approach helps your child develop critical thinking skills and learn to trust their own judgment. It also prevents you from feeling the burden of having to come up with all the answers.
2. Support Their Goals Without Taking Over
If your adult child is pursuing a goal, such as advancing in their career or finishing their education, offer encouragement and emotional support. But avoid doing the work for them. For example, if they are seeking a job, help them refine their resume or offer interview advice, but don’t apply for jobs on their behalf or follow up with employers for them.
3. Offer Financial Support Sparingly
While it’s tempting to provide financial assistance when your adult child is struggling, giving money or paying bills repeatedly may reinforce dependence. If you choose to help, be clear about your limits. Set specific conditions—such as a timeline or requirements for the assistance—and stick to them. Encourage them to seek other resources, such as budgeting help, financial planning services, or job opportunities.
4. Be an Emotional Support System, Not a Therapist
While you can listen to your child’s challenges and offer empathy, avoid stepping into the role of a therapist unless you are professionally trained. Encourage your child to seek professional help if they need it, whether through therapy or coaching. This can help them build the emotional tools necessary to navigate difficult situations without relying on you for constant emotional regulation.
5. Encourage Healthy Communication
Healthy communication is key to any relationship, but it’s especially vital when it comes to setting boundaries. Encourage your child to communicate openly about their needs, but also make sure they respect your boundaries. Practice active listening, and express your feelings calmly and directly.
The Importance of Self-Care for Parents
As a parent, it’s easy to become consumed with worry about your child’s well-being. However, it’s crucial that you prioritize your own self-care. Caring for your physical, emotional, and mental health enables you to be a more present and supportive parent, without feeling overwhelmed. Nurture yourself as you would your child.
Some tips for self-care include:
• Setting time for yourself: Ensure you have personal time for hobbies, relaxation, and social activities. This is essential for maintaining your own sense of identity outside of being a parent.
• Seeking support: Consider joining a support group or seeking therapy for parents dealing with adult children. Connecting with others who understand your experience can be immensely helpful.
• Practicing mindfulness: Meditation, yoga, or journaling can help you maintain your emotional balance and keep perspective on the importance of boundaries.
• Developing a support network: Lean on your friends, family, or partner for emotional support when you feel overwhelmed.
Supporting your adult children in a healthy, non-enabling way is a delicate balance that requires clear boundaries, consistent communication, and a commitment to fostering their independence. While it’s natural to want to help your children through their challenges, it’s essential that you empower them to face life on their own terms, rather than rescuing them from every difficulty.
By taking care of yourself, setting healthy limits, and providing emotional support without stepping into the role of a savior, you not only help your child grow but also preserve your own emotional well-being. This allows both you and your child to thrive as individuals, rather than as co-dependent parties.
Ultimately, as a parent, your goal is to guide your adult child toward self-sufficiency, emotional maturity, and resilience. While this might be difficult at times, it’s the most loving and responsible choice for both you and your child.